coa//007 does not make a james bond joke

30 12 2012

New readers — welcome! This blog is where I set up feedback threads for the latest draft story in progress. Right now I’m up to story #6. You should probably start at story #1, though.

Current readers — Welcome to story seven, starring… Dave DANGER Smith! Yep, this time around we’re following Dave on his new job and his new life.

This was originally going to be a one-scene intro, something quick and simple. Somehow it ballooned into 5500 words. Probably for the best, because the actual ongoing plot of this chapter’s a little underdeveloped right now and I’m concerned it’ll result in a short story. But… the last chapter was originally a one sentence plot too (“Things go wrong at Vivi’s club, they investigate why”) and it became the longest story in the series so far. Go figure.

In other news, if it wasn’t obvious already from the last few weeks, I’ve been kinda migrating to Sunday for my postings instead of Monday. So, the new official release date is “Sunday OR Monday.” If I’m running behind it’ll be a Monday, if I have stuff prepared in advance a Sunday. Keep an eye out.

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12 responses

30 12 2012
Jen

I like this approach you’ve been using in blog posts for “new readers” and “current readers.”

How’d Dave’s team find this place so instantaneously? Or did they just happen to be driving by?

Love the implications of “please remain calm,” and that Carlos recognizes them.

by route — should be “by rote”

Thai pad — shouldn’t that be pad Thai?

these madmen.. — add or remove a period, presumably.

“I’m not hearing any accents here” — technically it should be that they sound American. Americans see it as if we don’t have an accent, but we do. Depending on how nationalized Carlos is, that might shift his view; maybe that’s just how he perceives it, which would be fine.

youwere — add space

15 minutes — does that fit the real timeline? Hmm.

Interesting that Dave has read those websites. For work… out of his own curiosity… who knows?

had the spend — had to spend

Gilt — Gelt (in three places. Or the other way around.)

Poor Dave…

I guess we’ll find out later who he’s writing to? (although it may be obvious enough from the “you and your Dad” bit.)

30 12 2012
Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

Carlos is born and raised in Boston, so he’d see it as accentless rather than American accents. It’s his home turf.

The First Action Response Teams have HQs around the city, and spotters / anonymous tips / seismographs / various other methods for finding out when something new just arrived. The Salvagers have similar methods. Notice they arrived a few minutes after Carlos’s TV and internet died.

I want it to be obvious who he’s writing to, at least by the end of the letter. Is it not clear it’s Penelope?

1 01 2013
loopychew

I think it’s pretty obvious he’s writing Penelope. Beyond the events he was describing, to our knowledge, she’s the only one he ever writes. It seems pretty obvious at this point that he doesn’t have any other friends in the City.

Speaking of, I don’t know if Penelope would disclose full details of what happened to Vivi even to Dave, or how many people inside the Scarlett Revolution would actually know the details to her backstory aside from Grandma Scarlett herself. If you want a story to discuss fighting off cubism, you already have Milly from coa//005, which Penelope actually witnessed and helped with. Maybe go with her instead.

1 01 2013
Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

Yeah, I am trying to show Penelope as not being allowed to tell Dave a lot of what’s going on — I think I can just have Dave say “Didn’t you say you knew someone who fought off cubism?” and leave it at that, because Penelope would’ve been vague. (She does want to talk about her life but keeps retreating from full disclosure due to Greg’s mandate that Dave be kept out of this. We’ll have more on that later.)

2 01 2013
loopychew

Exactly–maybe drop the “some dancer?” and leave it at that. I don’t think Penelope would mention details about Vivi; the important bit is that Dave knows cubism can be treated, and it’s not like she doesn’t know Dave knows Picassos aren’t all bad considering the circumstances of their first meeting.

2 01 2013
Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

Yeah, that’s how I’m gonna handle it. In fact I have a LOT of rewrites to the last two scenes coming next week, including suggestions from the blog. (YOU ARE ALL PART OF MY PROCESS, YO)

1 01 2013
Lirazel

Ooooo, love Dave.

But yes, I don’t think he should be spending so much time by himself.

*rubs her hands in anticipation*

2 01 2013
Jen

For whatever reason, I’m always happy when the story gets around to Dave. Maybe because of his role in the first chapter. This ought to be a good one. :D

3 01 2013
jim

It’s a good story with a decent hook, characters developing well. Good job on having them encounter each other every so often. I get a sense of a persistant world that exists with or without a particular person or place.
Really, this story should sold to a publisher. perhaps Baen ?

4 01 2013
Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

Not sure any publishers would touch it, given it was released on the web for free. So, I’m self-publishing — including bonus content. There’s a variety of ways you can get access to that content here:

http://pixelscapes.com/cityofangles/book.html

TL;DR I have a subscription service to read it online, or you can buy an eBook or paper book version when it gets released. I’ll be binding up 001 through 008 for the first book.

5 01 2013
Lyrandar

Just noticed something – the “other angles to consider” section has a link to //005 that calls it Glitch Beat instead of Wound Up Toys. Or maybe the link/number are wrong and it’s supposed to go to Glitch Beat; that seems a little more plausible based on the short description there, but I can probably think of reasons for it to go to either story if I thought about it a little.

5 01 2013
Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

Should be Glitch Beat, since that digs deeper into the Bedlam conspiracy and the formation of La Resistance (working title). I’ll fix. Thanks!

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