coa//002 is checking in for the night

16 07 2012

Roaches check in, but they don’t check out.

New story! First scenes! Continuing directly from where coa//001 left off, with Dave off to experience the wonders of the Department of Orientation. Of course, getting the hang of the City of Angles is harder than it sounds, and it doesn’t sound particularly easy in the first place…

It took some reworking of my original pitch to get the story to this point. Who encounters who and where, whether I’d be splitting the counselor into two characters or consolidating to one, and so on. This should be a densely packed but short story, as Dave meets new folks and sees the variety of ways people approach city living for the first time.

Once coa//001 and 002 are in the can, well, then the world can expand a bit. We’ll have a proper introduction to how things are and can start exploring other places, other characters… but, one thing at a time.

I’d love to hear your reactions and get your feedback. Post away!




6 responses

17 07 2012
Jen, Psycho Happy

Dave Danger Smith — heh. I wonder where Dave gets his personality… not from Mom apparently.

“Are you unable to cope?” — I love how routinely she throws that question in there. I am sure it’s the least empathetic or concerned voice ever. The “HOW DO YOU FEEL?” computer in Trek probably had more concern. ;)

“learning where that line existed was a good idea.” — smart boy, Dave.

Hmm, 80s dude but with hair grease? Maybe more like mousse or gel. It can still smell painfully strongly. Or maybe he’s been dunked in Drakkar Noir.

“pointedly not specifically refer to as a Scary Black Man” — excellent sociological commentary here, on society and also Dave sort of mentally lampshading it. Like: this guy would fit the stereotype IF I bought into that stereotype. Baggy clothes or baggy pants? I think a baggy top wouldn’t show off muscles well, eh? And he does have a tank top on.

Hollister is painfully enthusiastic with a schmoozy edge, but he does seem to mean well. Sort of like an underqualified high school guidance counselor. Painful awkwardness adds nicely to the scene, too; a little tension there avoids expositionosity.

Jayden mentions “no school” even though he’s 21 — guess he has some younger friends.

Ohhh poor Mr. Fong. Nice little note of EEK there for us/them. And I like the subtle implications of “may even let him work in his store again” — both that he may recover, but also that who works there is up to the Department entirely and isn’t it such a special privilege when they do allow such a thing!

2009 reality TV — so then I take it all these people are from 2009 or later? (They seem to be.) Or maybe they all have already heard that the others in the city are from different eras, so this doesn’t faze them. (But does the Audience know that yet? I guess they can infer it from Hollister and the receptionist if it hasn’t been explicitly mentioned.)

Yvonne — I think you need something to trigger Sarah’s point of confusion. Like “You remember Yvonne? She arrived last year.” That way the “but it was just a month ago” is a genuinely confusing point. Otherwise Sarah would just assume Yvonne arrived in the last month. I assume that’s what you’re getting at, anyway.

Where’d Jayden go after his intro? No reaction or mention at all. Between that and “that leaves us with Dave and Sarah” after Brittany storms off, it made me wonder if he actually left.

D’awww, overlooked Dave. Sure sounds like he prefers it that way, though.

Typo patrol: which was had been , exclaimation, genelogical, receiptionist, wisened (did you mean wizened? could be either, or more like neither for this dude), counsellour, starlette (unless that’s deliberate), counsellor, gormet,

17 07 2012
Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

Jayden’s age is a plot point. He was very, very specific about his age but then slipped up.

2009 is just the year she was on that show; then she lists several others. This is taking place in 2012. I could add years to those if it’ll make it clearer.

I don’t want to make it precisely clear when Yvonne arrived, because that’s going to be important later.

18 07 2012

Brittany Geneva’s accolades can be addressed by maybe saying something like “the Season Three winner of America’s Top Voice”–which would suggest that it wasn’t too recent, even if it doesn’t specify exactly when she won it, unless that’s supposed to be a plot point later.

“That leaves us with Dave and Sarah” is just about the introductions, not about the people present. I presume he also left when the others did.

18 07 2012

“He” meaning “Jayden,” even.

18 07 2012
Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

Yep, that’s right. I’ll clarify in edits, too. And good suggestion about Brittany’s show.

18 07 2012

“Dave Danger Smith” is hilarious and got an immediate smile on my face. “trying very hard not to sketch in quotation marks around his middle name” is also funny, because it’s true!

I’d suggest you stay put, shut up, and listen to what the instructors tell you
“…and drink your goddamn tea.”

Also, job placement services will only be available to those who complete the course.
Perfectly logical, and I like that little bit of world-building.

It read “Hello, My Name Is (Hollister) And I Am Here To Help!!” which meant whoever slapped two exclamation marks on Dave’s welcome note probably designed these, too.
If it IS the same person, maybe cap the first letter of the welcome note, too. Alternately, to properly simulate one of those name tags, I’d suggest writing it as “HELLO MY NAME IS Hollister AND I AM HERE TO HELP!!”

I didn’t notice any typos other than what Jen already pointed out.

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