coa//001 updated, and various data

23 06 2012

More new scenes, and some revisions to earlier scenes.

We finally meet the horrible abomination chasing them, we learn a bit more about our trio, and some peace and quiet is found at last (if not comfort).

I’ve made some revisions to Penelope’s character. For starters I’m dropping her age back from 19 to 15 — she feels more childlike and innocent to me, and this makes her dad’s protective complex make more sense compared to watching over someone past young adulthood. Also I gave her a pith helmet. Because they rule.

EDIT 10:45PM: Actually, you know what? I’m gonna drop it back to 13. She’s definitely a young girl who’s growing and becoming curious about the wider world, and I want her to be more friendship-attachment to people, without romance-attachment possibilities. It’ll mean less Hawt Girl On Advertising Banner effect, but whatever, I’ll have hot girls later on too.

I also nuked the first section of the story, the rambly narrative bit about cities. It was heavy handed; if I can’t trust my reader to be interested in the story despite starting out in a mundane situation, it shows bad faith on my part. I did however make Dave’s alarm clock weeeird so right away you knew something was up.

So, check out the changes, read the new scenes, let me know what you think. Not just typos, but how you feel about the characters — what you like, what you don’t. They’re very much in flux, wet cement as opposed to dry cement. I’ve already made one whomping change and a few more may yet come.

Also, note that updates may be sporadic — I’m not sticking to a regular update schedule just yet. They’ll go up as I write them.

In VIP club news, I’ve now got 20 registered members! Huzzah. Many of you noted you rarely leave feedback, because you’re shy (which is totally fine; read and enjoy!) or you don’t have an account (you can post anonymously with no account, it’s okay!). While I’m very keen on building a community pool of prereaders who participate in the process, it’s not mandatory to post. I’d love it if you did, but it’s your call. It’s good to know you’re out there, one way or another; that’s not something I had before the VIP club.

The first VIP-only story is a long ways away, but I’ll be shutting down the Early Bird Special well before that point. So, if you’ve been following my work for some time, hop on board — and make sure your friends know about it, too. Seating is limited.

Oh, and here’s the scores so far:

Jones: 4
Bond: 4
Undecided / Tie / They Team Up And Fight Hitler: 5
Batman: 1




7 responses

23 06 2012
Benabik (@Benabik)

I do like the clock.

“The way she’d explained it was like this.” I rather expected that to end with a colon.

And this leaves me really wondering what Dave’s thing is. It really feels like there’s something more going on here. Of course that may also just be my plot-o-meter reminding me that this is part one of a series. :-)

24 06 2012
Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

I’ve already dropped at least two major hints. They’ll be reaffirmed later. :)

One of them is a trick I’ve done plenty of times in the past; so far only one person has picked up on it. It LOOKS like a typo, but…

25 06 2012

I only recall it being done in Unreal Estate, personally.

24 06 2012

So, they’re locked in an infinite random (?) dungeon with no hopes of seeing stars or clear skies. Good thing Dave isn’t quite the type that regularly enjoy a stroll in the forest.

I initially disliked his name because it was too non-descript, but now I find it more appropriate given his apathy toward things.

I wonder if other art movement will get featured in the city besides cubism (just to have an expressionist banshee [ ] … yeah I know that’s not really creative:) ) .

24 06 2012
Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

At this point “cubism” and “Picasso” are just handles for how people describe the weird phenomenon that infects and distorts people and places. You won’t be seeing expressionism or postmordenism or neoclassicalism joining those ranks.

25 06 2012

his eight year old brain
“his eight-year-old brain”

Perfectly ordinary looking metal structures
“Perfectly ordinary-looking metal structures”

pulling out twenty-four dollars
Just in case this is an actual typo.

becoming transluscent
“becoming translucent”

been fused togehter
“been fused together”

Dave did not love the Sideways.
He didn’t hate them, either.

For some reason, I feel like “the Sideways” is a singular place/region, and as such would be better referred to as an “it” rather than a “them,” like you’d refer to “the [housing] projects” as an “it.” But it’s your call.

daddy was not happy
Capitalize “Daddy.”

Something about the way people notice the Projects reminds me of Neverwhere–probably the idea that it’s bordering on the edge of imperceptibility, the way London Below was to other Londoners. Also, I’m trying to imagine how that opening chase sequence would be depicted in a live-action context.

25 06 2012

Ah, near psychotic emotional detachment. I’m identifying with Dave already. I hope he isn’t a villain.

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