lf05 is becoming lf06 …wait, what?

26 01 2011

Okay, bear with me here:

I’m splitting what you knew as lf05 into two stories:
london’s fog 05 – equations
london’s fog 06 – sacrifices

The break happens right after Gilbert dreams up his crazy plan. I did add an extra scene to the end of lf05, which you’ll want to read. After that, carry on to lf06, which includes several new scenes in which we attend a fancy dinner party in an effort to destroy the evil empire.

I mentioned on my Twitter that I wasn’t sure I’d made the case for the British Empire being evil and needing to be taken down. Twitterfolk helpfully pointed out A) enslaved angel, B) killing kids to make calculators, and C) generally oppressive jackasses.

All valid points. I guess my worry was I didn’t make them obviously horrible enough, since I was also trying to show that the general population either doesn’t MIND a little economic divide and oppression as long as they’re not being actively crushed into paste. Britain’s evil exists at a high level, and only generalized societal problems get noticed at the lower rungs of the ladder, not enough to instigate more than a few weak rebel movements and general noncompliance with the law (trading contraband for fun). I suppose that makes it a realistic example of an evil empire, since it can persist and thrive, despite its evil.

In this chapter, we explore that from the top, where we see the viewpoints of those who actually DO pour milk over a bowl of kittens for breakfast. It’s not pretty, but even these guys are just trying to make money and don’t care who suffers, which is petty and nasty but not comic book supervillainy. And that’s working for me.

Hopefully the new character introduced here isn’t too shoehorned. I worked hard, writing and rewriting him. He’ll be playing a bigger role later. And since lf06 doesn’t have a ‘cold opening intro scene’, I might put him there… preparing for the party, introducing his character a little, as a tease for things to come. …yeah. That’s the way to go. Look for that Sunday.

EDIT: Actually, you know what? This is too important to leave until Sunday. I’ve added it just now. So if you read the draft in the first hour after I posted it, reload and check it out.

Meanwhile… there is what we have here. Read, enjoy, and I’d love to hear your reactions.

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28 responses

27 01 2011
Anonymous

Oh, I LIKE Eddie! Waddaya know, a real king.
I thought, from the earlier description, that Lizzy was only a little bit taller than Chloe. Twelve-year-old girls are usually within a few inches of their adult heights (I’m nearly 5’8″, and I was this tall when I was twelve), though boys may be as much as a foot shorter than they will be when full grown. The whole height thing is confusing, and even though I understand there’s an illusion there, I don’t really get it. She’d be taller than Edward even if she were really Elizabeth. I think a clearer idea of Edward physically would be helpful — and also, maybe make the guard stare disconcertingly at Chloe’s clavicle?
Also, Edward seems really old. Which might make sense, given the way he’s been raised. He seems more like a 20-year-old than a child. (I still like him — and honestly, Elizabeth I as a princess was probably something like him, from having to watch her back constantly and being shoved in and out of prison depending on whether she was legitimate or not.)
But I think one of the reasons Chloe might have for opening up to him is that he really IS a child. And children, as you may have noticed, have very strong ideas about right, wrong, and being pushed around. Stronger than teens or adults do, sometimes. Beneath all the blather, he’s aware that he’s at the top of a monsterous pile of Bad, and wants to change it. And he’s very aware that No One Tells Him Anything.

27 01 2011
lirazel

Also, I like the idea that the bad guys are examples of the banality of evil, instead of EEEEEVILLLL. “We’re just fulfilling our destiny and making sure we stay rich. Too bad about everyone else.” Very modern.

27 01 2011
Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

I think the Lizzy thing is easily fixed. I’ll have her described as short, and maybe make her 10 instead of 12. The size thing is important, because it shows who can and can’t see through the magic (the guards can’t, Eddie doesn’t at first, but gradually does).
Edward IS a 20 year old. I noted that in the “changelog” that I bumped his age up considerably — I started writing him and like you say, his voice didn’t end up being childish even if he had childish aspects. If you spot any places where I list his age as younger, let me know so I can fix it.

27 01 2011
lirazel

Aheh. That’s what I get for relying on what I remember, instead of reading what’s there.
And, not to be too picky, but there’s a difference between “childish” and “childlike”. The childlike person appreciates the awesomeness in the world — the childish person cries because one can’t have everything, or even keep it the same. Edward may be childish because he’s been “spoiled”, but it’s the childlikeness that can keep him from being merely spoiled, if you see what I mean.
(Oh golly, I’m turning into a FANGIRL. Next thing you know, I’ll be telling you what you meant to write! Gomen, gomen…)

27 01 2011
Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

I think the childish aspect is he’s being presented with a difficult situation (“I’m powerless to really do anything about the things I dislike”) and his solution is to have no solution, just to screw around with those in charge and go have fun and make others dance to his tune. He’s trying to point out the foolishness of it all, yes, but he’s not being particularly serious or making an effort at change.
That’ll be changing after tonight. The chance encounter with Chloe has given him hope that perhaps he CAN make something happen that breaks the cycle, beyond random tomfoolery.
And fangirl away! I don’t mind. And it helps me see how people see my characters. I think it’s going to be obvious why I boosted Edward’s age, soon…

27 01 2011
jengagne

Aww yeah, hot prince-on-angel action! BOMP shikka wow-ow…

30 01 2011
Anonymous

Awesome!
An amazing kind of anti-climax. The peices all just fall into place like they were supposed to be all along. Curse your tempting with that bonus story… I’ll have to dig up a couple extra dollars somewhere. :-)

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