sa01 thinks you look beautiful in the moonlight, buddy

9 11 2009

Actually, I think I used that title before for an update. Oh well.

Major update to the draft tonight, with plenty of romance and bloodshed. I’ve also polished up some of the Jesse bits… nothing drastically different, just re-clarifying her position.

Share, enjoy, and seriously, feedback welcome. I’m curious how folks will react to the various newcomers.




6 responses

9 11 2009

Haven’t commented on the last couple of revisions, but the story’s looking good, it’s holding my interest when I read, and I keep looking forward to the next addition.
(Also: It took me this long to “get” Esrever’s name. ^^;)
Wasn’t doing a full typo sweep, but I spotted these:
– After Emily finishes explaining why she wants Jesse on the team, she “taped” the table – then “tapped” it properly. (Amusing little coincidence there … ^^)
– “overlayed” should be “overlaid”.
– “Kraken enforced” should be hyphenated.
– So should “hand picked”.
– “Lonlier” should be “lonelier,” as in “lonely” until you get to the y.
– “When embraced becoming a witch …” should probably be “When I embraced becoming …”
– “Flordia” snuck into Florida’s place when Lona introduced herself.
– “Wonderous” should be “wondrous” … easy mistake, though.
*laughs at the name given to “Mr. Orange’s” partner* Oh, NICE!

9 11 2009


9 11 2009

Loved the bathroom fight. Mr. Orange is amusing. And go Jesse!
I’ve been waffling around as to whether Una’s rationalizing away Brell is too quick. But I think it works, in that she comes from this logic-driven society. She’s drawing her conclusions on a purely intellectual level, very Spock-ish, but she feels it too and she obviously will continue to feel it (crying outside, etc.)

9 11 2009

They are so going to end up snogging sometime.
(That’s what usually follows “dancing.”)

9 11 2009

Okay, I am totally picturing Simon Baker as Mr. Orange. Baker is Australian, but he still has the same general look. (Here’s a link to a picture: As for Jesse, I’m picturing a woman with short black hair and a kick-ass monocle.
I actually liked Una’s rationalization of Brell. It’s how I pictured Una would be once she grew up a bit. I don’t know for sure, but I’m envisioning her becoming a mature and sophisticated woman.

10 11 2009
Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

Pretty spot on for “Mr. Orange,” yeah. Dapper, dashing, and young. As for Jesse, black hair is on the money, but probably longer; she sees herself as Faerie, and they have luxurious hair.
When I write fs01, I’ll take the opportunity of the establishing scenes to describe them better. It’s difficult to find the right place to do that when you’ve got such a busy story to tell.

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