a07 is go for launch

20 08 2009

One small step for an elf… one giant leap for Faerie kind.

Short update, just two plot related scenes, and more Kennedy rants. I think we’re done with that. He hasn’t come off as a compelling enough dude; I think he has too many damn monologues. I may be able to make him more, well, interactive when we’re in the Second Age and it’s not just scenes of him explaining things.

Shachi, I haven’t done your edits yet, but I will be doing them when a07 goes final. This chapter’s been growing slowly, compared to the rampages I went on before, but I’m satisfied with the product.

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5 responses

20 08 2009
jengagne

Yay more story! ^_^
What a lonely description of the space center, with no visitors, yet so painstakingly fixed up. Maybe people will take more of an interest in the future, I hope.
Also, I am amused by Kennedy’s use of code names for no apparent reason.

20 08 2009
shachihoko

Okay, spotted a few things this time.
Tourist mode:
– “two hundred plus year old” should, I think, be compound-hyphenated to “two-hundred-plus-year-old”.
– Put a comma after the “(sans yellow)” parenthesis.
– “… (and things from the past the present day idolized …)” Insert a “which” between “the past” and “the present day” here.
– “parallel” was misspelled (should be as I typed it: two l’s, then one) in multiple places.
– “… mounted on a giant orange fueld tank …” Take the ‘d’ off of “fuel”.
Mission planning:
– “… wheeled people mover carts …” – I think “people-mover” should probably be hyphenated, but just those two words. (Otherwise you might run into funny misinterpretations like the carts being meant to move wheeled people … :)
– I like the way Kanthi’s teammates have also adopted human astronaut names.
– Do you think you should clarify which of the main characters is which color for their mission codename? “Green” is pretty clearly Nel, but I have to assume that “Silver” is Una, “Brown” is Emily, and “Black” is Scout.
– “We’re running enough risk having Silver pull three people along using a gravity pump designed for one; we can’t risk four.” – So is Una counted as one of the three? If so, the wording is kind of iffy; as it is, it reads (to me) like Una will be towing three passengers in addition to herself. Maybe make it “… having Silver pull two extra people along …” instead of “… pull three people along …”.
… Maybe that was more than “a few things”. Anyway, still looking good in terms of the story itself.

20 08 2009
kamalloy

I really like Kennedy, but I’m a huge space exploration geek so he’s talking about stuff that I’m already totally behind. The magic + technology for space exploration idea is fascinating. Love the restoration of the Space Center.

20 08 2009
cmdr_zoom

This.

21 08 2009
eyeless1

Well if they have to do any in-flight communications it’d be better to have code names than risk the Orbitals find out their plans.

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