a07 steps right up and wins the nice lady a prize

17 08 2009

I should’ve had them go on the roller coasters, too.

I’m a little surprised at y’all. I post a fairly nothin’ update, just two scenes of dry exposition, and I have 12 comments waiting for me overnight. Then I post a scene where a major milestone is reached in the Scout/Emily relationship, and I get three comments that were not from a sibling of mine over the course of two days.

You have failed me, LiveJournal. Of course, you are hereby expected to commit seppuku.

Meanwhile, enjoy this IM exchange I had with Kub about the opening joke.

Kub: Oh, that’s -such- a nice image….
Kub: *Documentary voice*
2f: What, clown watersports, or bedoin jesters?
Kub: The Clowns of the Desert roaming the sands. Their brightly colored caravans provide a jarring contrast in the otherwise bare landscape.
2f: I may have to write that into the series now.
2f: The Second Age is going to open the world up wider.
Kub: heheheheh
Kub: Observe the leader of the tribe with the hereditary Nose of Leadership.
2f: Its honk commands legions.
Kub: Tonight we present a ritual rarely seen by outsiders: the Packing of the Volkswagen. Only used in times of war, the dreaded Volkswagen Cavalry is a thing to be feared, for the lone, nearly undetectable car can disgorge a fighting force feared and dreaded throughout the desert lands.
2f: “Bonko! What is good in life?” “To hit your enemies with rubber chickens, to chase them on tiny tricycles, and to hear the lamentations of their makeup artists!” “That is good.”
Kub: Q: What is the proper term for a clown cleric?
Kub: A: The Charlie Chaplain.
2f: You realize I’m going to need to post this to my LJ when I update tonight.
Kub: But of course. It should cement my reputation of being completely batshit insane, as if the conversation with tangsm about the offspring of Carmen Sandiego and Waldo wasn’t enough.

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10 responses

18 08 2009
benabik

Had I not known
that I was dead
already
I would have mourned
my loss of life.
(stolen from Ota Dokan)
*stabs self*

18 08 2009
Anonymous

Maybe everyone was just so happy with where the Emily/Scout relationship that they felt they didn’t need to comment. I know I was about to not comment simply because I thought everything was going all right and I had nothing to offer.
Of course, I did comment. I always comment. Every time you write a chapter. Therefore I do not commit Seppuku and go straight to Nirvana for my good deeds.

18 08 2009
Anonymous

“Excuse me, when did I say I wanted to do the horizontal bebop with you?” Emily chided, waggling a finger. “This isn’t about sex. All I’m saying is I’m tired of you sleeping in a damn rocking chair. You deserve a comfortable bed… and frankly? I’m sick and tired of waking up alone. That’s all there is to it. We are going to go to sleep, together, and feel the better for it. Now are you coming along, or do I have to chase you in there with my broomstick?”
Oh, Emily, will you ever cease to be anything but pure awesome? Although I suspect that Emily in twenty to fifty years is going to be something like her Nana…Scout better watch out.
Scout snoring…brilliant.

18 08 2009
matrix_dragon

The bit with Scouts snoring was oddly adorable.

18 08 2009
shachihoko

Penitential proofreading
As promised.
Chapter intro:
– “Milky Way” should be capitalized.
– “Did I miss anyt–” Go ahead and add the ‘h’ so you’re at least getting the complete diphthong out. (This is a purely stylistic nitpick, though.)
– “The group frozen its …” Should be “The group froze in its …”
– “Without the hat …” A piece of me (the stylistic nitpicker piece, to be specific) wants this to be “And without the hat …”
Fireside:
– “… they couldn’t spend it on some electrical coil — instead …” Use a semicolon instead of the dash.
– “Any chance you can find us a damn spaceship?” – I don’t quite understand why Emily through the “damn” in. (Stylistic again.)
– “shotgun-toting” should be hyphenated.
– Logistical/geographical question: is the “launch facility” Kennedy Space Center? I did a bit of poking around on Wikipedia and it looks feasible.
Bedtime prep:
– “… before leaving Twin Cities.” Shouldn’t it be “the Twin Cities,” or did I miss the pair being referred to generally as a single former metropolis?
– “climbed into oversized bed” should be “climbed into the oversized bed.”
– “… to subconsciously change the Faeplace to what become what he needed now.” Take out the first “what”.
Next morning:
– “Yavain had woken earlier …” I think this is incorrect, it should probably be “had woken up earlier”.
– “No self respecting witch …” Hyphenate “self-respecting”.
– “… black T-shirt and jeans combo … he’d torn the Frontliners patch …” Replace the ellipsis after “combo” with a semicolon. (I think the T in “T-shirt” should be capitalized, too.)
– “Una was wearing one of her spare Orbital minidresses — Nel …” Semicolon in place of dash.
– “As for Yavain… he’d gotten dressed up …” Comma in place of ellipsis.
– “… a caption of STEEL WHEELS 89 …” My first inclination is that there should be an apostrophe in front of the ’89, but whoever printed the shirt could have done it without the apostrophe, so this may be okay.
– “More smalltalk …” Shouldn’t “small talk” be two words? (Also, there seems to be a lot of ellipsis abuse in the dialogue around this point, but I chalk that up to characters speaking hesitantly, trailing off, etc. Still, be careful not to overuse the ellipses.)
– “recouperation” should be spelled “recuperation,” I’m pretty sure.
– “It there may have been more to tiny red tint on Nel’s cheeks …” – grammar errors. Possibly change to, “There may have been more to the tiny red tint …” which seems to convey the meaning you were after.
Will pick up from hitting the road in another post, my brain’s wandering. @.x

18 08 2009
mtws

Is it actually possible for Yavain’s bed to be both vibrating and a water bed? I suppose the answer to that could be “magic,” but it’s a bit of a Fridge Logic moment.
Also, tangentially relevant.

18 08 2009
Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

I think it’s more that I forgot what I described it as previously. I’ll check the text and adjust one of the two mentions (or maybe make it a vibrating magical waterbed, which is indeed funnier).

18 08 2009
arthurh3535

I just have had a harder time getting into Anaronauts.
Probably because I’m not really into Wild West stories. I much prefer ‘high fantasy’ and science fiction (and, to be quite truthful, mostly fanfiction.)
There’s probably nothing wrong with it, but I’ve just been pretty drained to read outside my comfort zone righ tnow.

19 08 2009
shachihoko

Re: Penitential proofreading
Hitting the road:
– “nearest magical equivilant” – should be “equivalent”
– “it was hardly smooth sailing…” – A dash would be preferable to the ellipsis here, I think.
– I like the Aliens reference. I also like Scout completely missing it. :)
– “… and then settled in, ten and two on the steering wheel. Even as he cast side glances to Scout.” I’m not sure how many people will get the “ten and two” reference (I did, after a moment). The last bit feels like too much of a sentence fragment, although I know it’s “continuing” from the previous sentence. Pretty much stylistic questions in both cases.
– “… bro’s before h– err. Y’know….” – Should it be “bros” instead of “bro’s”?
Rest stop, guys’ side:
– No typos that I spotted in this part.
Rest stop, girls’ side:
– Also looking good, no typos jumped out at me.
Arrival in Palm Beach:
– “… and the sweltering heat and humidity and things accelerate.” – Put a comma in after “humidity” to separate the last clause.
– “… through the empty streets… signs of repair started to show.” – Change the ellipsis after “streets” to a comma.
– “… of elvish restoration…. things that …” Change the ellipsis after “restoration” to a colon.
Into the concert:
– “Emily had no interest in mingling in the hundreds …” Should be “mingling with the hundreds …”
– Nel: “Faeries in human garb.. ?” No need for the ellipsis before the question mark.
– Scout: “…hmm. I appear to be fatigued.” This feels (to me, at least) a bit out of kilter from Scout’s usual speech patterns. (Granted, it’s a prelude to implementing one of Yavain’s suggestions, so a bit of clumsiness makes sense.)
– “Only a tye-dye bandanna around his forehead signified any allegiance to rock and roll… and a simple black and white electric guitar.” I think this sentence needs to be rearranged; “Tie-dye” may also be misspelled. My best suggestion: “Only a tie-dye bandanna around his forehead signified any allegiance to rock and roll … that, and a simple black-and-white electric guitar.”
– “The few in the crowd who still seated …” – “… who were still seated …”
– “… as elves often do… his instrument was coarse …” The ellipsis after “often do” should probably be a semicolon.
– “accoustic” should be spelled “acoustic”.
– “bro’s” appears with an apostrophe again – immediately before you used “bros” without an apostrophe.
Backstage with Kennedy:
– I like the lampshading about it “going to eleven”. :)
– “… usually dressed similarly to the band… the same colors, the same clothes.” The ellipsis after “to the band” should be a colon.
– There’s a conflict in wording between Kanthi’s “The earliest I could possibly launch our craft is the early morning hours of the Solstice day itself” and Emily’s “You say we’re not going to be able to leave until a day before Solstice”? Unless the moment of the Solstice itself is at night, this is pretty much impossible to reconcile. (Also, no need for the ellipsis in Emily’s line that I quoted.)
– “Give me a two days to prepare the facility …” Take out the “a”.
A day at the beach with Emily and Scout:
– “… unaware of Nel’s increasing discomforting comfort …” This wording feels weird.
– “Both where a snazzy white …” should be “Both were a snazzy white …”
– The volleyball game is very well-written, and a lot of fun to read.
– This is slightly after-the-fact, but when Scout asks if Emily wants a hot dog, you have the two words separated, but earlier in the chapter (breakfast the morning after meeting up with Yavain), you have “hotdogs” as a single word. I’m not sure why I didn’t mention that earlier.
A day at the beach with Una and Nel:
– “..ah, not that I’ve known you more than a single day, admittedly, but…” They met in the afternoon or evening, and this conversation is taking place sometime on the second day after the early Solstice Ball, if I’m tracking the time right? Technically I think it has been more than “a single day” …
– “… –shopping time! Let’s go!” Scrap the dash and capitalize “Shopping”.
(cont.)

19 08 2009
shachihoko

Re: Penitential proofreading
The next day (or so):
– “… Emily determined to be able to rescue herself if she got into hock …” – Weird wording, unless Emily expects to be used as collateral against a friend’s or ally’s debt. It could be accurate, but I’ve never heard “hock” in this context … or it could be a product of post-Pandora Event dialect.
– “Without that, there’s no point talking about it. It make logical sense …” should probably be “there was no point …” and “It made logical sense …”
Last section (for now):
– “… my waterbed sprung a leak and I had to sleep with a couch spring dug in my back …” – Change “sprung” to “sprang” (I think) and “dug in my back” to “digging into my back”.
– And you answered my question about Cape Canaveral. *thumbs-up*
I’m curious about how much more there’ll be to this chapter, and looking forward to the continuation (and, presumably before much longer, the finale of this story).

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