The Dude Postulate

10 08 2009

I’m drawing a blank.

The problem is that I never actually planned for Yavain to offer ‘lessons’ to Scout. It was just a gag that seemed to flow from the improvisational writing. (a07’s outline is VERY skimpy, compared to earlier chapters; events, rather than events and specific notes to hit.) It feels like the right way to go… but I have no clue what he should be teaching Scout.

On sitcoms, in situations like this, the Dude Wingman always has some words of wisdom about how to woo a woman while still being kind of a deceitful douchebag — typical Men/Mars, Women/Venus stuff. See also movies like the The 40 Year Old Virgin, and things like that. Problem is, that kind of mindset is just… totally and completely alien to me. I actually find it easier to write a female character than a groovy-pants swinger guy.

In short: I need ideas for things Yavain will tell Scout to try, and have decided to turn to You Guys for help. Remember, as always, ideas donated are coughed up for good, no take-backs, no lawsuits.

The two scenes he can best apply this knowledge are at a rock concert, and while relaxing at the beach. So, while I love the idea of ‘holding a boombox outside her window’ as a good example of what I’m looking for, I don’t think that specific example will fit in the chapter. (Plus Faeplace windows are illusionary.)

EDIT: Synchronicity. Tycho of Penny Arcade musing on codified professional pickup artists (it’s near the end of his first post in the thread). Specifically, this stuff. I don’t think Yavain would be this mathematical about it, and would rely a lot more on tropes and things he THINKS work based on the media he’s nourished on, but some of it may be indirectly useful.

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13 responses

10 08 2009
Anonymous

Well, obviously Yavain would start by telling Scout what he should say to Emily. One of the things he would tell Scout to do would be compliment her body. Yavain is probably thinking booty. Scout, meanwhile, is very literal. He’d probably tell her she has “nice hair” and “nice hands” in that monotone voice of his.
Matter-of-fact, you can just keep going down this line of thinking and have Scout compliment every little thing about Emily (“I like your spellbook”) until she tells him to stop.
And Yavain would probably change Scout’s outfit to something ridiculous and poser. “…there’s a chain on my pocket…” “No, seriously, dude! Chicks dig chains! And they totally love broody, emo guys…like you!”
Scout with a boombox outside Emily’s window…the image is so hilarious it’s just…so awesome.
Other than that…well, I can’t help you. I’m not a guy. I’ll think about it and get back to you if I can come up with anything.

10 08 2009
cmdr_zoom

I already suggested the Oh So Subtle Yawn and Arm Stretch. (So amazingly subtle, she’ll never see it coming.) What more do you want from me?!

10 08 2009
Anonymous

Pick-up lines, tons of them, preferably bad:
> If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put “U” and “I” together.
> I’m no Fred Flintstone, but I’ll make your bed rock.
> If I told you you had a hot body would you hold it against me.
> That dress looks really good on you…but I bet it’d look better on my floor.
> I don’t know if you know much about computers but you’re making my software hard… (My personal favorite and particularly useful I think given Yavain’s love of the internet.)
I’m sure I’ll come up with more lines and more ideas later, I don’t think I’m going to get much sleep tonight.

10 08 2009
Anonymous

Those sound more like they’re going to get a slap from Emily more than anything else. XD

10 08 2009
kublaikhan

Perhaps it can culminate in the worst pickup line ever:
“Hi. You’ll do.”

10 08 2009
Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

Pickup lines are good, but Emily’s already “picked up”. Primarily I need actions he can take to entice / seduce / please her. “Woo his witch,” essentially.

10 08 2009
jengagne

You could always have Yavain suggest the boombox thing and then one or the other realizes that’s not an option due to Faeplace.
Definitely the yawn-and-arm-stretch.
Chicks love flowers? Or is that too likely to be well-received. ;) A box of Adult chocolates?
A poorly-done tattoo of her name on his arm? (If he tries this, it would probably heal away into oblivion. Maybe they could Glamour it on there.)
Gratuitous Scout-shirt removal using the hot weather as an excuse.
Fake a flat tire or engine trouble so Scout can fix it.
Encouraging Scout to say totally out of character things like “Is the weather here in Florida hot, or is it just you?” etc. would be fun even though she’s technically picked up already.
Maybe “accidentally” spill a drink on her to make her wear less? Although she’s already in a t-shirt, isn’t she.
A cheezy line about how “You must’ve put a spell on me cuz I’m totally entranced” could lead to some misunderstandings of Emily thinking maybe he DOES think he’s entranced.
As for the concert specifically, obviously the only solution is for Scout to ply her with massive amounts of beer. Because that was enough for her to drunkenly kiss Yavain, so it will TOTALLY be a good idea! She’s an easy drunk!
Yavain may just have no suggestions that Scout would actually be willing to try. Even he must know certain things are dumb or disrespectful. But they could still have an entertaining conversation about it.

10 08 2009
lirazel

So, let me see…
Emily is already aware that the Faespace morphed because of Scout’s changes… but her room didn’t look more shadowy than usual? I can see Nel not needing anything of Una’s to be different, but that’s not the case with Emily and Scout.
Also, I am very much an “Emily” — straightforward to the point of tactlessness, and sadly clueless as to when other people are trying to attract me.
I suspect Yavain thinks of flowers as an apology, not a “move”. A move would be a lame pick-up line, (I can’t look at the beautiful sunset, I’m too busy looking at you.) a physical gesture (sunscreen application morphing to back-rub), or some goofy kind of showing off (Fighting a real land shark, maybe?) Flowers are for after you’ve done something, either to say “I’m sorry,” or “Yes, I respect you this morning.”

10 08 2009
Anonymous

Ok, beach-specific:
> Riding on horses bareback (clothing optional)
> Speedo and unwarranted amounts of flexing and slow-mo emergences from water
> (As previously suggested by others) Sunscreen back rubs
> If some sort of sport is being played (volleyball, frisbee, football, etc.), ruthlessly dominate
> Build her a sandcastle?
> Read her poetry while feeding her fruit
Concert-specific:
> “Scout <3 Emily" or "Marry me" or some such on a big screen of some sort
> Having the band dedicate the song to them (“This one goes to to Emily from Scout”)
> Front-line a romantic number with the band for Emily’s benefit (sort like “Johnny B.Goode” in Back to the Future but a better song obviously)
General:
> Aphrodisiacs (Dark chocolate dipped strawberries, saffron, oysters, truffles, ginseng, maybe a Fae version, etc.)
> Manual labor (repair a vechile as suggested, help set up the stage/equipment for the concert)
> Set up circumstances where someone would offend her (perhaps a patsy) and he would defend her honor
> Be aloof and mysterious
I’m tapped for now. I realize some of these wouldn’t work so well but maybe you’ll find a way to use them or perhaps it’ll spark an idea from someone else.

10 08 2009
jengagne

Ah, I somehow missed the “beach” part of the situations above. Great ideas.
Scout should definitely slop on just gratuitous quantities of glistening tanning oil to show off his muscles at the beach. He should look like he’s been buttered.
Go go Speedo power! Banana-hammock all the way!
The “here let me rub some of this lotion on you… and here, I’ll be sure to get under the straps too… babe” scenario is obligatory.
He could be instructed to surf even though Florida doesn’t really have good waves for that.
The sandcastle could be a giant heart with their initials carved into it.
Hire a plane (Faequivalent) to fly by with “SCOUT HEART EMILY” banner? Yeah, I’m tapped.

10 08 2009
Anonymous

Actually, the surfing in the gulf stream (aka the east coast of “the wang”) is fairly decent during most of the year. True enough, its not crazy cool like off Cali or in Hawaii or such, but still very surfable and fun.
My duty to the Sunshine State is done for the month.

10 08 2009
Anonymous

Those links do seem helpful for coming up with stuff Yavain would want to suggest.
Although reading the description of the seduction community made me realize that some of these things are more likely to get a kick in the balls than anything else. Exhibit A:
“Negs,” i.e. remarks, such as backhanded compliments, that are designed to actively demonstrate lack of interest…more commonly, to tentatively disqualify the target… They are intended for numerous purposes, including slightly lowering a girl’s self-esteem so she’s more vulnerable to pickup…”
Many women have enough self-confidence issues without some idiot looking for a date helping them out. Yes, even attractive women can have huge insecurities. Attractiveness and confidence don’t always correlate. There’s no way to just slightly lower a girl’s self-esteem. If she’s already very insecure, even a small remark can send her into self-loathing. And at that point she’ll likely want to run as far away from you as possible
These men seriously don’t understand women as well as they think they do.

10 08 2009
Anonymous

some tips
I can see your dilemma. Here are some basic things I could see Yavain telling Scott/Scout for the concert and/or beach:
– get her a drink…girl’s like to feel waited on, it’ll loosen her up, whatever, all that crap
– dance to the music? maybe not, but it’s an idea
– generally be physical with her
– compliment her
– be ‘smooth’, whatever that might mean to Yavain
– maybe some dressing tips for Scout? Seems like something SexyElf86 would do ;-)
– ask her about the music
Ummm, yeah, so that was my mostly failed attempt to perceive what kinds of things guys might think about during such situations. As I’m not a guy, this was the best I could do. Good luck.
Oh, and, for the record, I’ve just finished what you have of anachronauts, and I’m totally in awe…like kneel-at-your-feet-teach-me-your-ways-make-me-your-paduan,-master kind of thing. Don’t be creeped out by that, I’m just really impressed with your writing skittles…I mean abilities…whatever
I’ll shut up now.
-Ginger

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