More scenes in a02. Oh, and plenty of fan service!
I fall back on my favorite literary device, “Two characters having a philosophical debate that exposes much of their personalities and backgrounds while doing some totally boring and mundane thing that’s not interesting in and of itself.” Like sitting in jail in a01, or eating burgers in a02. I loves that stuffs.
Feedback thread ahoy. Responses welcome.
EDIT: Since this is the second load of scenes in one day (granted, last batch came in late, LATE at night) I’ll just keep using this LJ post for feedback on the new material.
I am a very bad person for ending the writing where I did. I acknowledge this, and steeple my fingers in a very evil way.
Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne's Creative Writing Zone 
“manyfold joys and wonders of human society.” –manifold
Longer stuff:
“and ‘viced versa’.”
Considering the speaker, I was wondering if this was meant to be a malapropism. It’s not obviously so, however, which is why I felt compelled to ask.
“Emily, you appear to have broken your dining tray.”
“Yes. Yes, I have,” Emily said, her white-knuckled hands gripping two halves of a shattered plastic tray.
This seems a little cartoonish. I wouldn’t be able to break a plastic tray with my bare hands, even in anger. Something like a crushed cup or a burst crab cake or anything else you might be able to think of would accomplish this. If the trays were made out of a less durable material like Styrofoam or paperboard this would also work. But when you say plastic tray, I think of the kind fast food restaurants currently use, the thick, rubberized plastic ones.
“Emily made a note to ask Una to detail all the little gadgets and toys tucked away in her jetpack.”
Didn’t they leave her jetpack behind with Emily’s stuff? I couldn’t find mention of it after skimming but maybe I missed it. Or maybe it was never there to begin with.
Thoughts:
I have to ask, “particularly gung-ho human fanboy of an elf”…SexyElf86? xD
“Goggles!” My eyes! Ze goggles do nothink!”
(“This material is quite unusual, in that–” and then Emily just tuned it out) But, I think I’ve already mentioned how much I like Una… oh wait… “”Hmmm,” Una evaluated, studying herself in the reflective mirrors of the boutique. “I am concerned that this assemblage of fashions have the negative side effect of distorting the overall body-shape of my posterior. Scout, what are your thoughts on this?” *cackles*
Also, I think the reason I am more entertained by Una than Emily is that Emily sees the situation the way I would. Her voice is my voice. When I facepalm, she facepalms, when I think, “Famous last words,” so does she. I nod with approval at her responses, but Una is an amusing puzzle to me.
It’s cartoonish, but that’s the effect I want. Crushing her food or a cup isn’t really as over the top, it’s just anger, not wacky anger. Sure, it’s unrealistic, but I think I’m gonna go with it. I’ll just remove the word ‘plastic’ and let folks think what they want.
Also, I need to go back and edit the earlier parts to indicate she cloaked her jetpack and brought it with her into Baltimore. I need her to have access to some hypertech, so no way around it.
Glad you’re enjoying the story. :)
If you were shooting for cartoony, then take it as confirmation of success. :P
Also, it wasn’t my imagination then? You did note that she left it behind somewhere? I wondered if I had taken creative license with my memories or gone crazy when I couldn’t find it again. :x
Opinions
Una is amazing. The way she manages to completely miss the point on everything…Her interaction with Emily is amusing. They really make great foils for each other. Although they may misunderstand each other, you can tell that when it comes down to it they get along well.
“And wondered why she felt so alarmed just now. Had to just be a gut reaction of shock to Una’s usual bluntness. That’s all.”
OMG! A love triangle! I am filled with fangirl joy!
Re: Opinions
Well that certainly hadn’t occurred to me. I dunno how I feel about that. I can’t get over the, “But… he’s dead! Ew.”
Possibly I was too riveted to pick anything out, but I couldn’t find any corrections.
Likewise I have no suggestions.
There was some idiotic clapping and “Eeee!”ing, either because I am a sadistic bastard or because the action ramped up. Who knows? xD
Re: Opinions
Yay! Girls like my story and presumably don’t think I write horrible female characters!
Re: Opinions
If we end up having a damsel in distress scenario where Emily does nothing useful, there will be gnashing of teeth :P
Re: Opinions
Polar opposite for a02’s next planned scenes. Don’t worry. I’m trying to make it so in each of these scenes, ESPECIALLY if another character is captured/threatened, that the cast shares the load in terms of solutions and action.
Generally they each play a role, similar to the dryad encounter in a01. Una defends and provides cover fire, Scout gets all tricksy and scraps with ’em, Emily provides support spells and forces everybody to listen to reason. I was going with a City of Heroes approach, with Una=Defender, Scout=Stalker/Scrapper/Brute, and Emily=Controller.
Re: Opinions
I am so tempted to rewrite various scenes as PuG dialogue now.
[Team] Una: wheres scout
[Team] Scout: brb soloin :D
[Team] Emily: [bleep]
Cliffhanger
Wow. I knew you said your cliffhanger was evil. I had prepared myself. But I wasn’t expecting it to leave off at such a climactic moment and so I was still shocked. I can only hope a new update will come and clear that up.
As for something you said earlier, you write better females than I do, and I’m a card-carrying girl.
Re: Cliffhanger
That is a relief to hear, given one of my female leads spends much of this episode strutting around nekkid and/or wearing exciting underpants for comic effect, while the other shrieks like a harpy about it. c.c;;
The next scenes coming up will resolve the cliffhanger. Sorta.
Re: Cliffhanger
You always write girls well (and guys). It’s because you treat them basically the same way, I think. I mean, the same except for certain stereotype-referencing for comedic effect (the above underpants/shrieking, the “does this make me look fat”, etc.)
P.S.: That wasn’t so much of a cliffhanger as it was a cliff-dropper! I guess the E in Wile E. Coyote is Emily… I’m expecting the puff of dust at the bottom any minute now. ;)
Re: Cliffhanger
But, there was no tiny sign.
And the fact that my only concern so far has been a possible Damsel in Distress scenario is proof that these are realistic girls. I mean, I already noted that I actually identify very closely with Emily.
As a gamer-girl whose first “real” (i.e. not meant for preschoolers) video game was Perils of Rosella, one of the first ever with a female lead, and one who has researched girls and video game design a great deal, I’m way sensitive to stereotypes and tropes that portray one-dimensional/weak women. Emily’s comment about Una being influenced by decades of female roles meant to appeal to men does a good job of putting into perspective whatever ideas she has about human society, and the (I am assuming) social androgyny of Orbital culture clarifies the other oddities she has. It’s all very well done.
Re: Cliffhanger
Una could have been a walking sex-object, but she’s not. Because behind the “nekkid/exciting underpants” Una is a very real person with her own wishes or fears. Sexiness doesn’t necessarily damn a female character. It’s simply that so often there is nothing more to a female character than her chainmail bikini. Some girls are more prim and proper than others, some less so. But the key is to make sure that there is a real person behind it. Oh, and it helps to treat those characters with dignity and respect.